Welcome to This Isn’t Top Scallops, a Top Chef fantasy league! This page will be home to the league’s rules, draft summary, episode-by-episode recaps, advanced metrics, and assorted memes.

Special credit to Janet for assisting with creating the rules and visualizations!

Week 1 Recap

It’s great to be back! This was a very exciting first episode that saw the all-stars compete in a mise en place relay Quickfire outside Griffith Observatory and a fire-only Elimination Challenge on the beach. Some of the contestants came out of the gate running (Gregory, Melissa), while others looked rusty in their first challenges back (Lee Anne, Kevin).

Special shout-out to Bryan Voltaggio’s elimination challenge dish, which takes the “I guess you need to taste it IRL because it really looks terrible and that’s the fundamental flaw with cooking shows on TV” prize of the week.

Here is this week’s recap of winners, losers, and our standings so far.

Current Standings

After 1 week, here are the current standings. This counts everyone’s earned Episode Scores and projects Ranking Scores based on who’s been eliminated.

Current Standing Team Members Projected Final Score Total Episode Points Final Ranking Points Lost Scaled Episode Points Scaled Final Ranking Points
1st Dead Meat Elsa Voytas 0.86 45 0 0.71 1.00
2nd Screaming 4 Acid (Hosea Fucking Sucks) Chris Issa 0.72 55 8 1.00 0.43
3rd Let the Beet Drop Katya Myagkova 0.68 55 9 1.00 0.36
4th It’s Fucking RAW! Maddy Kornhauser 0.67 47 6 0.77 0.57
5th Padma Wannabe Divya Khandke 0.67 42 4 0.63 0.71
6th Churn Up Natasha Tabachnikoff 0.66 46 6 0.74 0.57
7th Unlimited Breadsticks Jackie Weidman 0.66 39 3 0.54 0.79
8th Take Me to Flavor Town Claire Jaffe 0.64 50 8 0.86 0.43
9th Bitch Better Have My Honey Janet Xu 0.62 48 8 0.80 0.43
10th Beets by Dre Tiffany Hudson / Steven 0.60 45 7 0.71 0.50
11th The Gouda Lyfe Tobin Stuff 0.59 51 10 0.89 0.29
12th G-Ada at Home Ada Rustow 0.58 28 1 0.23 0.93
13th Wake Me Up Before You Go-Gurt Eugene Chong 0.53 50 11 0.86 0.21
14th Idiot Sandwich Sarah Mandell 0.48 46 11 0.74 0.21
15th Tom Bready Gracie Himmelstein 0.43 40 10 0.57 0.29
16th Jackson “Eddie” Fratesi Jackson Fratesi 0.42 49 14 0.83 0.00
17th Spice, Spice Baby! Jane Christen / Kelsey Edelen 0.39 25 5 0.14 0.64
18th The IncrEDIBLES Emily Blanton / Stephen Dillon 0.38 47 14 0.77 0.00
19th High Steaks Emma Dries 0.38 42 12 0.63 0.14
20th Martha Chewart Kate Dries 0.33 33 10 0.37 0.29
21st Quarantine? I Thought You Said Florentine! Hilary Clifford / Sam Blobaum 0.32 35 11 0.43 0.21
22nd Top Shelf Curry Amie Patel 0.31 29 9 0.26 0.36
23rd Chips Don’t Lie Jia Yuan / Joyce Liu 0.20 29 12 0.26 0.14
24th NiNi Leeks Sherry Cao 0.10 20 11 0.00 0.21

Quickfire

The red team won with two dishes: a delicious char-grilled artichoke with tahini and a chewy-but-tasty-looking artichoke tortellono.

Winner: No one winner was announced.

🔥 🏆

🤷🏼

Honorable Mentions: Melissa, Joe, Jamie, Kevin, and Bryan

🔥 🥈

Winning Dishes

Elimination Challenge

Winner: Gregory!

👩‍🍳 🏆

Honorable Mentions: Stephanie and Jamie on the winning team. Melissa and Jen also got special shout-outs from the judges.

👨‍🍳 🥈

Eliminated:

☠️

Winning Dishes

Losing Dish

Episode Score

The top 3 scorers in points for this episode are Let the Beet Drop, Screaming 4 Acid (Hosea Fucking Sucks), and The Gouda Lyfe.

Here are the overall standings in Episode Score after the first episode.

Ranking Score

We won’t know the final Ranking Scores until the season is over, but we can get a sense of how people are doing based on where they ranked contestants that have already been eliminated (notwithstanding possible Last Chance Kitchen comebacks).

Incredibly, Elsa, who has never seen Top Chef, but admittedly loves gambling, is the only one to have guessed this week’s loser. She leads in this category.

Here’s where things stand currently.

Team Breakdowns

Lastly, here’s a look at how everyone’s team is doing after Week 1.

Team Members First Place 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 Last Place
Beets by Dre Tiffany Hudson / Steven Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Jamie Lynch Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Stephanie Cmar Melissa King Brian Malarkey Karen Akunowicz
Bitch Better Have My Honey Janet Xu Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Nini Nguyen Eric Adjepong Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Stephanie Cmar Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes
Chips Don’t Lie Jia Yuan / Joyce Liu Stephanie Cmar Lisa Fernandes Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Melissa King Brian Malarkey Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Karen Akunowicz Gregory Gourdet Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll
Churn Up Natasha Tabachnikoff Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Eric Adjepong Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Melissa King Lisa Fernandes Nini Nguyen Lee Anne Wong Jamie Lynch Angelo Sosa
Dead Meat Elsa Voytas Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Eric Adjepong Melissa King Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey Joe Sasto
G-Ada at Home Ada Rustow Lisa Fernandes Nini Nguyen Melissa King Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll Karen Akunowicz Gregory Gourdet Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Brian Malarkey
High Steaks Emma Dries Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Jennifer Carroll Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Karen Akunowicz Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Lisa Fernandes
Idiot Sandwich Sarah Mandell Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Eric Adjepong Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Stephanie Cmar Nini Nguyen Lee Anne Wong Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey
It’s Fucking RAW! Maddy Kornhauser Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Angelo Sosa Brian Malarkey Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz
Jackson “Eddie” Fratesi Jackson Fratesi Joe Sasto Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Eric Adjepong Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Melissa King Jamie Lynch Angelo Sosa Brian Malarkey Nini Nguyen Jennifer Carroll
Let the Beet Drop Katya Myagkova Gregory Gourdet Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Karen Akunowicz Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Melissa King Eric Adjepong Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Nini Nguyen Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes Kevin Gillespie Jamie Lynch
Martha Chewart Kate Dries Eric Adjepong Lee Anne Wong Nini Nguyen Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Stephanie Cmar Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Brian Malarkey Jennifer Carroll
NiNi Leeks Sherry Cao Eric Adjepong Lee Anne Wong Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Melissa King Karen Akunowicz Nini Nguyen Jennifer Carroll Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes Stephanie Cmar Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey
Padma Wannabe Divya Khandke Jennifer Carroll Angelo Sosa Bryan Voltaggio Kevin Gillespie Eric Adjepong Gregory Gourdet Nini Nguyen Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lisa Fernandes Joe Sasto Lee Anne Wong Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz
Quarantine? I Thought You Said Florentine! Hilary Clifford / Sam Blobaum Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Eric Adjepong Joe Sasto Nini Nguyen Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Jennifer Carroll Karen Akunowicz Brian Malarkey Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lisa Fernandes
Screaming 4 Acid (Hosea Fucking Sucks) Chris Issa Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Jennifer Carroll Angelo Sosa Kevin Gillespie Stephanie Cmar Joe Sasto Lee Anne Wong Karen Akunowicz Nini Nguyen Eric Adjepong Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Jamie Lynch Melissa King
Spice, Spice Baby! Jane Christen / Kelsey Edelen Jennifer Carroll Eric Adjepong Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Angelo Sosa Nini Nguyen Melissa King Lee Anne Wong Gregory Gourdet Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Brian Malarkey
Take Me to Flavor Town Claire Jaffe Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Stephanie Cmar Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Melissa King Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Karen Akunowicz Jennifer Carroll Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie
The Gouda Lyfe Tobin Stuff Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Eric Adjepong Melissa King Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Lee Anne Wong Brian Malarkey Karen Akunowicz Stephanie Cmar Nini Nguyen
The IncrEDIBLES Emily Blanton / Stephen Dillon Joe Sasto Melissa King Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Stephanie Cmar Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Eric Adjepong Brian Malarkey Angelo Sosa Jennifer Carroll Jamie Lynch Nini Nguyen Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes
Tom Bready Gracie Himmelstein Eric Adjepong Gregory Gourdet Nini Nguyen Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Kevin Gillespie Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Melissa King Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll
Top Shelf Curry Amie Patel Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Eric Adjepong Melissa King Nini Nguyen Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Jennifer Carroll Lee Anne Wong Gregory Gourdet Jamie Lynch Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie
Unlimited Breadsticks Jackie Weidman Jennifer Carroll Bryan Voltaggio Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Gregory Gourdet Lisa Fernandes Karen Akunowicz Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Gurt Eugene Chong Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Joe Sasto Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes

Week 2 Recap

This week’s recap is a guest post from my roommate, Janet!, who graciously agreed to write this summary after I whined “No! I don’t want to!” She also happens to be from LA and rolled her eyes when they called Hollywood a “neighborhood.” When I asked Janet to join the league last year, she rejected the invite by saying “lol no,” and then almost immediately got such intense FOMO that she asked me to bcc her on all the recap emails. And now she’s here, writing paragraphs of this stuff.

This week’s episode was all about honoring the late Jonathan Gold, a beloved food critic who very effectively communicated the fact that the best food in LA is found in strip malls (if you are in search of more streamable content, might I suggest the fantastic Jonathan Gold/Los Angeles documentary, City of Gold?) The cheftestants skipped the Quickfire challenge in favor of eating through said strip malls and being ferried around LA in BMWs (deeply ironic as Jonathan Gold was known for his 1998 Dodge pick-up).

The cuisines featured in this food-porn montage covered everything from Filipino to Szechuan to Indian to Mexican to Thai, a selection that varied almost as much as the cheftestants’ levels of judgment and risk taking. Nini managed to pull off an Asian/Jewish/Mexican “masa ball soup” that landed her in the top three, while Steph Cmar decided that Top Chef All Stars would be a totally great time to try her hand at making Indian food for Padma. Needless to say, the Indian nacho was a no-go. Maybe she should have taken a page out of Nini’s book and called it a “naancho”?

At least Steph went out of her comfort zone. The guests at the Union Station were also privy to two crudos and two tartares (yawn). One of the tartares came from Melissa King, who gets a special shoutout from me this week because it turns out that homegirl is from Alhambra, which is right next to my own hometown. After that backstory about having to learn to be proud of being Chinese, I legitimately felt like a race traitor for not putting her first in my rankings. Her tartare also seemed pretty good, even if some misplaced peppers gave Tom’s mouth a bit of a burn. Speaking of incredible burns, the other tartare came from Brian Malarkey and was so extra that guest judge Ruth Reichl called it “the kind of showoff dish that a lot of people who hate restaurants hate about restaurants.” Oof.

But it turns out that Ruth Reichl reserved her most cutting remarks for Angelo, whose poor tuna apparently “died in vain.” In addition to producing an alternative pronunciation of “turmeric” so confidently said that I questioned the lines between TV and reality and reality TV, Angelo made a really sweet soup that the judges (and Jen Caroll, tbh) hated. Angelo packed his knives to face off against Joe Sasto in the season’s first Last Chance Kitchen episode, and poor sweet Angelo lost out there as well. Pour one out for Angelo. Pour one out for Jonathan Gold. And while we’re at it, pour one out for restaurants and especially restaurant workers.

Finishing off the toasts on a more uplifting note: this week’s Elimination Challenge winner goes to Kevin Gillespie for making a delicious looking little pork ball (guys I know so much about food) topped with “Granny’s” apple butter, which Ruth Reichl implored him to bottle and sell. A feel-good win, especially after that heart-tugging backstory about his recent bout with cancer. When Kevin said “I’m here to prove that I’m still alive,” I knew he was either going home or winning the challenge. I, like everyone else who ranked him in their top 8, am glad it was the latter.

- Janet

About the Author: Janet Xu is a Ph.D candidate in the Department of Culinary Anthropology at Princeton University’s Gusteau Institute. Her research focuses on the intercultural perceptions of the differences between soups and sauces. She recently published an Op-Ed in the New York Times arguing that cereal is, in fact, soup. In her free time, Janet measures the amount of air included in different bags of chips.

Highlights From Around the League

Send me pics and highlights (cooking and personal) to include in next week’s edition. In other words, send noods!

Chris and Katya got a shout-out from Padma on Twitter, which is cool. But where are the pics of the actual stew, guys? What the fuck!

Not to be a one-upper, but Janet and Eugene got a pity Instagram like from Tom last Halloween after they creepily dressed up as him and erstwhile Last Chance Kitchen sponsor Hidden Valley Ranch®. Affirm us, Tom! Pour one out for Hidden Valley Ranch, who’s been usurped by BMW this season.

Claire made a delicious banana bread last week. And big ups to the mysterious goop in the red tupperware, the rhythm instrument to the banana bread’s lead guitar. We see you, goop!

For his homework, Eugene had to identify “ships” in some satellite images. That sure doesn’t look like a ship!

Sarah made some awesome dumplings, but more importantly, check out the coaster. I fucking love projections.

Stephen’s been doing his part to singlehandedly keep the Genesee Brewing Company in business. Who needs a bail-out bill when you’ve got friends like these?

Gracie made a v tasty Burmese chicken noodle dish called *reads notes* pasta carbonara. White sauce strikes again!

Jackie broke quarantine to go join the fools on the beach in Florida. Shame, Jackie, shame!

Emily made some tasty ’dillas. She tells me the thumb was the best part!

Lastly, Natasha baked two foccacia breads: one with cherry tomatoes & garlic and one with baby freshwater eels! Even stranger than the eels, though, is her pronunciation of foccacia. “foh-coh-shyuh”? come on!

Like all Asian men on Twitter, Eugene is trying to grow facial hair for the first time. Here’s a ~15 day update. In the words of his good friend Milo, who’s on a similar endeavor:

Current Standings

After 2 weeks, here are the current standings. This counts everyone’s earned Episode Scores and projects Ranking Scores based on who’s been eliminated.

Current Standing Team Members Projected Final Score Total Episode Points Final Ranking Points Lost Scaled Episode Points Scaled Final Ranking Points
1st Unlimited Breadsticks Jackie Weidman 0.85 67 4 0.70 1.00
2nd Bitch Better Have My Honey Janet Xu 0.78 83 11 1.00 0.56
3rd Churn Up Natasha Tabachnikoff 0.78 70 7 0.75 0.81
4th The Gouda Lyfe Tobin Stuff 0.60 81 16 0.96 0.25
5th Jackson “Eddie” Fratesi Jackson Fratesi 0.60 80 16 0.94 0.25
6th It’s Fucking RAW! Maddy Kornhauser 0.60 71 13 0.77 0.44
7th High Steaks Emma Dries 0.57 74 15 0.83 0.31
8th Dead Meat Elsa Voytas 0.57 54 9 0.45 0.69
9th Screaming 4 Acid (Hosea Fucking Sucks) Chris Issa 0.56 83 18 1.00 0.12
10th Beets by Dre Tiffany Hudson / Steven 0.55 78 17 0.91 0.19
11th Padma Wannabe Divya Khandke 0.54 74 16 0.83 0.25
12th Tom Bready Gracie Himmelstein 0.50 69 16 0.74 0.25
13th Take Me to Flavor Town Claire Jaffe 0.50 63 14 0.62 0.38
14th G-Ada at Home Ada Rustow 0.50 36 6 0.11 0.88
15th Let the Beet Drop Katya Myagkova 0.49 62 14 0.60 0.38
16th Quarantine? I Thought You Said Florentine! Hilary Clifford / Sam Blobaum 0.44 67 17 0.70 0.19
17th Idiot Sandwich Sarah Mandell 0.37 69 20 0.74 0.00
18th Wake Me Up Before You Go-Gurt Eugene Chong 0.37 63 18 0.62 0.12
19th Martha Chewart Kate Dries 0.37 46 13 0.30 0.44
20th The IncrEDIBLES Emily Blanton / Stephen Dillon 0.29 54 18 0.45 0.12
21st NiNi Leeks Sherry Cao 0.25 30 12 0.00 0.50
22nd Top Shelf Curry Amie Patel 0.24 42 16 0.23 0.25
23rd Spice, Spice Baby! Jane Christen / Kelsey Edelen 0.24 35 14 0.09 0.38
24th Chips Don’t Lie Jia Yuan / Joyce Liu 0.08 35 19 0.09 0.06

Quickfire

There was no Quickfire this week! What a concept!

Elimination Challenge

Winner: Kevin!

👩‍🍳 🏆

Honorable Mentions: Bryan and Nini were runners-up.

👨‍🍳 🥈

Eliminated: Angelo

☠️

Winning Dishes

Losing Dish

Episode Score

The top 3 scorers in points for this episode are Bitch Better Have My Honey, Beets by Dre, and High Steaks.

Here are the overall standings in Episode Score after the second episode.

Ranking Score

We won’t know the final Ranking Scores until the season is over, but we can get a sense of how people are doing based on where they ranked contestants that have already been eliminated (notwithstanding possible Last Chance Kitchen comebacks).

Here’s where things stand currently.

Team Breakdowns

Lastly, here’s a look at how everyone’s team is doing after Week 2.

Team Members First Place 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 Last Place
Beets by Dre Tiffany Hudson / Steven Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Jamie Lynch Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Stephanie Cmar Melissa King Brian Malarkey Karen Akunowicz
Bitch Better Have My Honey Janet Xu Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Nini Nguyen Eric Adjepong Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Stephanie Cmar Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes
Chips Don’t Lie Jia Yuan / Joyce Liu Stephanie Cmar Lisa Fernandes Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Melissa King Brian Malarkey Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Karen Akunowicz Gregory Gourdet Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll
Churn Up Natasha Tabachnikoff Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Eric Adjepong Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Melissa King Lisa Fernandes Nini Nguyen Lee Anne Wong Jamie Lynch Angelo Sosa
Dead Meat Elsa Voytas Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Eric Adjepong Melissa King Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey Joe Sasto
G-Ada at Home Ada Rustow Lisa Fernandes Nini Nguyen Melissa King Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll Karen Akunowicz Gregory Gourdet Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Brian Malarkey
High Steaks Emma Dries Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Jennifer Carroll Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Karen Akunowicz Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Lisa Fernandes
Idiot Sandwich Sarah Mandell Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Eric Adjepong Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Stephanie Cmar Nini Nguyen Lee Anne Wong Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey
It’s Fucking RAW! Maddy Kornhauser Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Angelo Sosa Brian Malarkey Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz
Jackson “Eddie” Fratesi Jackson Fratesi Joe Sasto Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Eric Adjepong Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Melissa King Jamie Lynch Angelo Sosa Brian Malarkey Nini Nguyen Jennifer Carroll
Let the Beet Drop Katya Myagkova Gregory Gourdet Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Karen Akunowicz Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Melissa King Eric Adjepong Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Nini Nguyen Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes Kevin Gillespie Jamie Lynch
Martha Chewart Kate Dries Eric Adjepong Lee Anne Wong Nini Nguyen Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Stephanie Cmar Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Brian Malarkey Jennifer Carroll
NiNi Leeks Sherry Cao Eric Adjepong Lee Anne Wong Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Melissa King Karen Akunowicz Nini Nguyen Jennifer Carroll Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes Stephanie Cmar Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey
Padma Wannabe Divya Khandke Jennifer Carroll Angelo Sosa Bryan Voltaggio Kevin Gillespie Eric Adjepong Gregory Gourdet Nini Nguyen Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lisa Fernandes Joe Sasto Lee Anne Wong Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz
Quarantine? I Thought You Said Florentine! Hilary Clifford / Sam Blobaum Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Eric Adjepong Joe Sasto Nini Nguyen Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Jennifer Carroll Karen Akunowicz Brian Malarkey Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lisa Fernandes
Screaming 4 Acid (Hosea Fucking Sucks) Chris Issa Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Jennifer Carroll Angelo Sosa Kevin Gillespie Stephanie Cmar Joe Sasto Lee Anne Wong Karen Akunowicz Nini Nguyen Eric Adjepong Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Jamie Lynch Melissa King
Spice, Spice Baby! Jane Christen / Kelsey Edelen Jennifer Carroll Eric Adjepong Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Angelo Sosa Nini Nguyen Melissa King Lee Anne Wong Gregory Gourdet Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Brian Malarkey
Take Me to Flavor Town Claire Jaffe Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Stephanie Cmar Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Melissa King Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Karen Akunowicz Jennifer Carroll Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie
The Gouda Lyfe Tobin Stuff Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Eric Adjepong Melissa King Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Lee Anne Wong Brian Malarkey Karen Akunowicz Stephanie Cmar Nini Nguyen
The IncrEDIBLES Emily Blanton / Stephen Dillon Joe Sasto Melissa King Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Stephanie Cmar Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Eric Adjepong Brian Malarkey Angelo Sosa Jennifer Carroll Jamie Lynch Nini Nguyen Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes
Tom Bready Gracie Himmelstein Eric Adjepong Gregory Gourdet Nini Nguyen Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Kevin Gillespie Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Melissa King Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll
Top Shelf Curry Amie Patel Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Eric Adjepong Melissa King Nini Nguyen Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Jennifer Carroll Lee Anne Wong Gregory Gourdet Jamie Lynch Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie
Unlimited Breadsticks Jackie Weidman Jennifer Carroll Bryan Voltaggio Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Gregory Gourdet Lisa Fernandes Karen Akunowicz Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Gurt Eugene Chong Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Joe Sasto Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes

Week 3 Recap

The chefs kicked off this week with a fried rice challenge guest starring Ali Wong and Randall Park, who were presumably there to promote their late 2019 Netflix film Always Be My Maybe. After being disappointed by almost every Netflix Original I’ve ever seen, I some time ago instituted a personal rule to never watch a Netflix Original unless it’s been recommended to me by at least 10 different people (you may find this stupid, but consider that you spent an evening watching Birdbox and I did not). I broke that rule last fall to watch Always Be My Maybe, because Asian-American solidarity, and it was boring, cliche, and saccharine, proving me right once again. It was, however, our boring, cliche, and saccharine movie, and that really meant a lot to *gestures to myself and other Asians*. The truest sign of cultural representation, in my mind, is not to have Parasite winning a bunch of praise and Oscars, but to have a steady supply of mediocre out there, and between this and Crazy Rich Asians, we’re getting there, baby!

Speaking of Asian-American solidarity, not a single Asian chef placed on top in the fried rice Quickfire! Shame level readings (if you’re into that kind of thing) are off the charts right now. Notable dishes include Eric’s only-sounds-good-because-we-know-it-worked-out PB&J fried rice and Nini’s ehhh-not-sure-about-that-one watermelon fried rice. Big ups to Karen as well for nailing the nasi goreng with Hot Cheetos. She may not have won the Quickfire, but she deserves special praise for performing well despite the, um, weird (read: stupid) week for her name.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs Zoomed off in their BMW N95s to GoToAMeeting at the Getty Museum. They had split up into Microsoft-Teams-of-3 so they could feed a veritable Houseparty of notable chefs, who would repay their efforts with useful, actionable feedback like “it’s just fish and sauce.” There, they got some FaceTime with Van Gogh and Rembrandt, from whom they hoped to draw inspiration for their dishes. Notably, they also got to Hangout on the Getty Center Tram (shout-out to all the train boys reading). Bryan, rocking his Bluejeans, squeaked and Skyped his way through the whole museum, letting everyone know the bottoms of his sneakers were moist. Cisco WebEx.

Melissa won the week with a just beautiful-looking lobster wonton dish, which I really have nothing to say about because it looked amazing (would eat). Jamie went home for fucking up chicken breasts again, and then he really went home when he went down to Joe Sasto (classic full name only guy) in Last Kance Chicken. The real story here is less about Jamie’s inability to learn how to cook chicken on TV in the three years since he went home for making bad chicken on Season 14 and more about his inability to choose the right part of the chicken to cook.

Parts of the chicken, ranked:

  1. Oyster

  2. Egg

  3. Thigh

  4. Wing flat

  5. Drumstick

  6. Liver

  7. Heart

  8. Wing drumette

  9. Feet

  10. Neck

  11. Wing tip

  12. Beak

    […]

   99-or-maybe-higher. Breast

Stray Observations (credit to AV Club TV recaps):

  • Bryan: big wife guy!
  • Remember grocery shopping with such abandon? I long for the simple pleasures of touching some produce and then putting it back on the shelf.
  • Eric kept pronouncing Neoclassicism as “Neoclassism,” which sounds like the title of an out-of-touch Atlantic article to which the entire twitterati responds “but classism isn’t dead!”
  • Jamie told Tom that he wanted to impart “depth through flavor” in his Elimination Challenge dish, which didn’t mean anything to me at the time but in hindsight seems to have meant “forget to serve the jus.”
  • After years of seeing “she only cooks Asian” bullshit on the show (poor Beverly was ahead of her time), it’s been nice to see Top Chef and its contestants really leaning into Asian cuisine the past few years. This season has been all about identity, specifically my identity.

Highlights From Around the League

Send me pics and highlights (cooking and personal) to include in next week’s edition. In other words, send noods!

Ina Garten is not in the league (though she should be), but she brought us some quarantine cheer by going full Cougar Town on Twitter. I love that for her!

For his Zoom background, Eugene plagiarized a much funnier person from Twitter’s idea. He also watched several hours of Maangchi YouTube videos and made her kimchi jjigae recipe.

Natasha knit a sweater, and it’s very cool! Considering most of her hand is in the frame, however, she is still very bad at taking selfies.

In Public Finance class, Stephen asked the professor an important question about our assignment.

Maddy made a delicious challah bread, which, judging from the photo, is anywhere between 6 inches and 3 feet long.

Tiffany made a single beautifully poached egg, and also some blurry hummus.

Like all Asian men on Twitter, Eugene is trying to grow facial hair for the first time. Here’s a ~22 day update. Looking worse by the day!

Current Standings

After 3 weeks, here are the current standings. This counts everyone’s earned Episode Scores and projects Ranking Scores based on who’s been eliminated.

Current Standing Team Members Projected Final Score Total Episode Points Final Ranking Points Lost Scaled Episode Points Scaled Final Ranking Points
1st Bitch Better Have My Honey Janet Xu 0.79 127 12 0.95 0.63
2nd It’s Fucking RAW! Maddy Kornhauser 0.68 116 13 0.78 0.58
3rd Churn Up Natasha Tabachnikoff 0.68 99 8 0.52 0.84
4th Unlimited Breadsticks Jackie Weidman 0.68 89 5 0.37 1.00
5th The Gouda Lyfe Tobin Stuff 0.60 130 20 1.00 0.21
6th Jackson “Eddie” Fratesi Jackson Fratesi 0.50 109 18 0.68 0.32
7th High Steaks Emma Dries 0.48 111 19 0.71 0.26
8th Padma Wannabe Divya Khandke 0.46 112 20 0.72 0.21
9th Take Me to Flavor Town Claire Jaffe 0.46 95 15 0.46 0.47
10th G-Ada at Home Ada Rustow 0.46 70 8 0.08 0.84
11th Dead Meat Elsa Voytas 0.44 71 9 0.09 0.79
12th Let the Beet Drop Katya Myagkova 0.43 93 16 0.43 0.42
13th Idiot Sandwich Sarah Mandell 0.41 108 21 0.66 0.16
14th Tom Bready Gracie Himmelstein 0.41 94 17 0.45 0.37
15th Screaming 4 Acid (Hosea Fucking Sucks) Chris Issa 0.40 101 19 0.55 0.26
16th Wake Me Up Before You Go-Gurt Eugene Chong 0.40 101 19 0.55 0.26
17th Beets by Dre Tiffany Hudson / Steven 0.36 101 21 0.55 0.16
18th Quarantine? I Thought You Said Florentine! Hilary Clifford / Sam Blobaum 0.36 91 18 0.40 0.32
19th The IncrEDIBLES Emily Blanton / Stephen Dillon 0.34 92 19 0.42 0.26
20th Martha Chewart Kate Dries 0.34 75 14 0.15 0.53
21st NiNi Leeks Sherry Cao 0.33 70 13 0.08 0.58
22nd Top Shelf Curry Amie Patel 0.27 79 18 0.22 0.32
23rd Spice, Spice Baby! Jane Christen / Kelsey Edelen 0.26 65 14 0.00 0.53
24th Chips Don’t Lie Jia Yuan / Joyce Liu 0.00 65 24 0.00 0.00

Quickfire

Winner: Kevin again!

🔥 🏆

Honorable Mentions: Eric and Karen

🔥 🥈

Winning Dishes

Elimination Challenge

Winner: Melissa!

👨‍🍳 🏆

Honorable Mentions: Bryan, Brian, and Eric were runners-up.

👩‍🍳 🥈

Eliminated: Jamie

☠️

Winning Dishes

Losing Dish

Episode Score

The top 3 scorers in points for this episode are The Gouda Lyfe, It’s Fucking RAW!, and Bitch Better Have My Honey.

Here are the overall standings in Episode Score after the third episode.

Ranking Score

We won’t know the final Ranking Scores until the season is over, but we can get a sense of how people are doing based on where they ranked contestants that have already been eliminated (notwithstanding possible Last Chance Kitchen comebacks).

Here’s where things stand currently.

Team Breakdowns

Lastly, here’s a look at how everyone’s team is doing after Week 3.

Team Members First Place 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 Last Place
Beets by Dre Tiffany Hudson / Steven Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Jamie Lynch Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Stephanie Cmar Melissa King Brian Malarkey Karen Akunowicz
Bitch Better Have My Honey Janet Xu Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Nini Nguyen Eric Adjepong Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Stephanie Cmar Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes
Chips Don’t Lie Jia Yuan / Joyce Liu Stephanie Cmar Lisa Fernandes Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Melissa King Brian Malarkey Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Karen Akunowicz Gregory Gourdet Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll
Churn Up Natasha Tabachnikoff Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Eric Adjepong Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Melissa King Lisa Fernandes Nini Nguyen Lee Anne Wong Jamie Lynch Angelo Sosa
Dead Meat Elsa Voytas Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Eric Adjepong Melissa King Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey Joe Sasto
G-Ada at Home Ada Rustow Lisa Fernandes Nini Nguyen Melissa King Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll Karen Akunowicz Gregory Gourdet Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Brian Malarkey
High Steaks Emma Dries Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Jennifer Carroll Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Karen Akunowicz Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Lisa Fernandes
Idiot Sandwich Sarah Mandell Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Eric Adjepong Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Stephanie Cmar Nini Nguyen Lee Anne Wong Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey
It’s Fucking RAW! Maddy Kornhauser Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Angelo Sosa Brian Malarkey Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz
Jackson “Eddie” Fratesi Jackson Fratesi Joe Sasto Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Eric Adjepong Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Melissa King Jamie Lynch Angelo Sosa Brian Malarkey Nini Nguyen Jennifer Carroll
Let the Beet Drop Katya Myagkova Gregory Gourdet Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Karen Akunowicz Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Melissa King Eric Adjepong Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Nini Nguyen Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes Kevin Gillespie Jamie Lynch
Martha Chewart Kate Dries Eric Adjepong Lee Anne Wong Nini Nguyen Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Stephanie Cmar Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Brian Malarkey Jennifer Carroll
NiNi Leeks Sherry Cao Eric Adjepong Lee Anne Wong Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Melissa King Karen Akunowicz Nini Nguyen Jennifer Carroll Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes Stephanie Cmar Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey
Padma Wannabe Divya Khandke Jennifer Carroll Angelo Sosa Bryan Voltaggio Kevin Gillespie Eric Adjepong Gregory Gourdet Nini Nguyen Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lisa Fernandes Joe Sasto Lee Anne Wong Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz
Quarantine? I Thought You Said Florentine! Hilary Clifford / Sam Blobaum Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Eric Adjepong Joe Sasto Nini Nguyen Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Jennifer Carroll Karen Akunowicz Brian Malarkey Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lisa Fernandes
Screaming 4 Acid (Hosea Fucking Sucks) Chris Issa Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Jennifer Carroll Angelo Sosa Kevin Gillespie Stephanie Cmar Joe Sasto Lee Anne Wong Karen Akunowicz Nini Nguyen Eric Adjepong Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Jamie Lynch Melissa King
Spice, Spice Baby! Jane Christen / Kelsey Edelen Jennifer Carroll Eric Adjepong Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Angelo Sosa Nini Nguyen Melissa King Lee Anne Wong Gregory Gourdet Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Brian Malarkey
Take Me to Flavor Town Claire Jaffe Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Stephanie Cmar Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Melissa King Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Karen Akunowicz Jennifer Carroll Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie
The Gouda Lyfe Tobin Stuff Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Eric Adjepong Melissa King Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Lee Anne Wong Brian Malarkey Karen Akunowicz Stephanie Cmar Nini Nguyen
The IncrEDIBLES Emily Blanton / Stephen Dillon Joe Sasto Melissa King Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Stephanie Cmar Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Eric Adjepong Brian Malarkey Angelo Sosa Jennifer Carroll Jamie Lynch Nini Nguyen Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes
Tom Bready Gracie Himmelstein Eric Adjepong Gregory Gourdet Nini Nguyen Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Kevin Gillespie Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Melissa King Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll
Top Shelf Curry Amie Patel Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Eric Adjepong Melissa King Nini Nguyen Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Jennifer Carroll Lee Anne Wong Gregory Gourdet Jamie Lynch Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie
Unlimited Breadsticks Jackie Weidman Jennifer Carroll Bryan Voltaggio Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Gregory Gourdet Lisa Fernandes Karen Akunowicz Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Gurt Eugene Chong Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Joe Sasto Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes

Week 4 Recap

They really laid it on thick with the spon-con this week, folks.

Our favorite reality cooking show brought on famous voice actor Kelly Clarkson to promote the postponed-but-thankfully-not-canceled early Oscar-contender film Trolls World Tour, which, in our pre-‘Roni reality, had been scheduled to premiere only 60 minutes following the conclusion of this episode, giving me, as it happens, just enough time to gun it from my apartment in Philly - against all my city planning trainboi ideals - to Times Square, where I could park on a sidewalk using a parking placard I printed at home before settling into my favorite seat at AMC Empire 25 with a bucket of Old Bay crawfish from Bubba Gump Shrimp Company in my lap to catch the midnight showing of Trolls World Tour (ft. Kelly Clarkson), during the previews for which I would daydream about those sequences in TV shows where someone who normally responds “oooo that’s got a bit of a kick to it!” to chipotle aioli visits Miami for a conference / cruise (canceled!) and befriends an attractive
Cuban person who says “Let me show you the real Mee-Ah-Mee” and introduces the out-of-place-and-initially-resistant-but-ultimately-down-because-it’s-Mee-Ah-Mee protagonist to plantains and dancing without the lights on for the first time every night from Monday to Wednesday before he or she needs to go back to looking like Strong Sad (inset, right) in the lame not-Mee-Ah-Mee from whence they came, except in my re-imagining of such the repressed protagonist would actually be my 10 closest friends, and I would be the sexy Cuban, and I’d say “Let me show youse the real New Yawk” before taking, again, my 10 closest friends in life, to the midnight premier of Trolls World Tour where we could sink into the movie like a bath, learn once and for all if it’s the Trolls taking a tour of our world or if it’s us taking a tour of the Trolls’ world (voyeuristic in either case), and slam some Old Bay crawfish with Gregory and Nini, the former of whom, by way of winning the Quickfire (by definition a minimal effort), won the honor, which he and his plus-one, Nini, failed to appropriately appreciate, and the loss of his, per Corona, they have insufficiently lamented on social media, of attending the premier, whereas I, by dint of being merely an un-famous (if not infamous) lifelong Trolls et al. fan, had to contrive, connive, and sleep my way into earning just one elusive ticket, the barcode for which, for those of you who don’t know, I’d tattoo’d Memento-style once across my chest out of fear of losing said ticket and then once more in mirror image across my forehead, because I’m not positive how barcodes and mirrors work, but now that Coronavirus has canceled the premier, I see that all my efforts have been for naught, and it is instead I who is Strong Sad (inset, upper right), doomed to forever walk the Earth like Atlas bearing the cross that is the Trolls World Tour premier: passed, but never seen.

Stray Observations:

  • Seriously, I’ve never seen the contestants look so bored during a sponsored segment. They can usually muster some enthusiasm about loading their Whole Foods™ groceries into their new BMWs™ so they can add Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning™ to their food, but Trolls got nothing, even with Kelly doing her best.
  • Speaking of Kelly, did anyone else get the sense that Trolls World Tour is more than just a paycheck for her? She really fucking loves it, and, having seen From Justin to Kelly, I know she is not a good enough actress to have faked it.
  • Malarkey revealed that his daughter’s name is Sailor before he tried and failed to make a curry ice cream during the Quickfire, which sounds like it was written by an algorithm but in fact actually happened.
  • Voltaggio continued his trend of making tasty dishes that I simply never want to eat. “Sprouted legumes”, my guy? Word?
  • Eric, on lying:
    • Jen: Did you turn this up? Why is my sauce so hot and horribly burnt?
    • Eric: Nuh-uh, not me, I didn’t touch it. Actually, if anything, I turned it off. But no, I didn’t touch it.
    • Also Eric:
  • Melissa’s signature move is rapidly becoming little dots of oil colored by some aromatic, and it’s really doing a lot for me.
  • Not much to say about Lisa’s dish, which she kept insisting was “rustic.” I suppose this could be true to the extent that many disastrous Thanksgiving brussels sprouts could probably also be described as rustic (but also bad).
  • That said, feels like Lee Anne may have gotten off easy here, considering she made underseasoned hummus and raw vegetables. But hey, at least we got our first hint of drama this week!
  • Tom’s fixation on the “progression” of the meal made it clear that he’s one of those intramural soccer captains who talks about “good losses” and “baby steps” after getting spanked by Eleven Madison Park because they “had some really good movement in the first half even if we didn’t score.”
  • Speaking of sponcon, check out this subtle effort from Jen for Metro by T-Mobile™.
  • Last note on Kelly: really big texture person! She docked Voltaggio’s dish for its mushiness, and, as someone who cares a lot about mouthfeel, I’m glad she spoke her truth. Yet more evidence that this season is about my identity.
    • On this topic: actually, guacamole and hummus are bad.

Highlights From Around the League

Send me pics and highlights (cooking and personal) to include in next week’s edition. In other words, send noods!

Janet made a banana bread recipe, but she substituted a springform for the loaf pan, yielding this high surface area banana pancake.

Emma whipped up this Melissa Clark (v underappreciated, imo!) chicken dish. Note the shine on the bottom right of the plate - oil spatter or one greasy hand?

Eugene and Janet burnt their hands on hot potatoes and made some gnocchi. Love to live an idiom IRL!

Tobin made a delicious egg, steak, rice, and spinach bowl and put it on a plate. Love the streak of sambal oelek on the side - classic chef move.

Like all Asian men on Twitter, Tobin is trying to grow facial hair for the first time. Here’s an update from our guy.

Like all Asian men on Twitter, Eugene is trying to grow facial hair for the first time. Here’s a ~29 day update. Looking bad!

Current Standings

After 4 weeks, here are the current standings. This counts everyone’s earned Episode Scores and projects Ranking Scores based on who’s been eliminated.

Current Standing Team Members Projected Final Score Total Episode Points Final Ranking Points Lost Scaled Episode Points Scaled Final Ranking Points
1st It’s Fucking RAW! Maddy Kornhauser 0.86 178 13 0.89 0.84
2nd Bitch Better Have My Honey Janet Xu 0.82 176 15 0.87 0.76
3rd Churn Up Natasha Tabachnikoff 0.69 129 9 0.38 1.00
4th The Gouda Lyfe Tobin Stuff 0.68 188 25 1.00 0.36
5th Unlimited Breadsticks Jackie Weidman 0.62 124 11 0.33 0.92
6th Take Me to Flavor Town Claire Jaffe 0.59 137 16 0.46 0.72
7th Let the Beet Drop Katya Myagkova 0.58 140 17 0.49 0.68
8th Padma Wannabe Divya Khandke 0.56 154 22 0.64 0.48
9th Idiot Sandwich Sarah Mandell 0.54 155 23 0.65 0.44
10th High Steaks Emma Dries 0.54 151 22 0.61 0.48
11th Wake Me Up Before You Go-Gurt Eugene Chong 0.52 146 22 0.56 0.48
12th Dead Meat Elsa Voytas 0.52 98 9 0.05 1.00
13th Jackson “Eddie” Fratesi Jackson Fratesi 0.50 139 21 0.48 0.52
14th Screaming 4 Acid (Hosea Fucking Sucks) Chris Issa 0.50 131 19 0.40 0.60
15th Tom Bready Gracie Himmelstein 0.50 126 18 0.35 0.64
16th G-Ada at Home Ada Rustow 0.46 124 19 0.33 0.60
17th NiNi Leeks Sherry Cao 0.46 105 14 0.13 0.80
18th The IncrEDIBLES Emily Blanton / Stephen Dillon 0.44 131 22 0.40 0.48
19th Spice, Spice Baby! Jane Christen / Kelsey Edelen 0.43 98 14 0.05 0.80
20th Martha Chewart Kate Dries 0.42 104 16 0.12 0.72
21st Top Shelf Curry Amie Patel 0.39 110 19 0.18 0.60
22nd Quarantine? I Thought You Said Florentine! Hilary Clifford / Sam Blobaum 0.34 108 21 0.16 0.52
23rd Beets by Dre Tiffany Hudson / Steven 0.31 136 30 0.45 0.16
24th Chips Don’t Lie Jia Yuan / Joyce Liu 0.00 93 34 0.00 0.00

Quickfire

Winner: Gregory!

🔥 🏆

Honorable Mentions: Karen and Lisa

🔥 🥈

Winning Dishes

Elimination Challenge

Winner: Melissa again!

👩‍🍳 🏆

Honorable Mentions: Kevin, Gregory, Karen, Jen, Eric

👩‍🍳 🥈

Eliminated: Lisa

☠️

Winning Dishes

Losing Dish

Episode Score

The top 3 scorers in points for this episode are It’s Fucking RAW!, The Gouda Lyfe, and G-Ada at Home.

Here are the overall standings in Episode Score after the fourth episode.

Ranking Score

We won’t know the final Ranking Scores until the season is over, but we can get a sense of how people are doing based on where they ranked contestants that have already been eliminated (notwithstanding possible Last Chance Kitchen comebacks).

Here’s where things stand currently.

Team Breakdowns

Lastly, here’s a look at how everyone’s team is doing after Week 4.

Team Members First Place 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 Last Place
Beets by Dre Tiffany Hudson / Steven Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Jamie Lynch Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Stephanie Cmar Melissa King Brian Malarkey Karen Akunowicz
Bitch Better Have My Honey Janet Xu Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Nini Nguyen Eric Adjepong Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Stephanie Cmar Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes
Chips Don’t Lie Jia Yuan / Joyce Liu Stephanie Cmar Lisa Fernandes Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Melissa King Brian Malarkey Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Karen Akunowicz Gregory Gourdet Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll
Churn Up Natasha Tabachnikoff Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Eric Adjepong Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Melissa King Lisa Fernandes Nini Nguyen Lee Anne Wong Jamie Lynch Angelo Sosa
Dead Meat Elsa Voytas Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Eric Adjepong Melissa King Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey Joe Sasto
G-Ada at Home Ada Rustow Lisa Fernandes Nini Nguyen Melissa King Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll Karen Akunowicz Gregory Gourdet Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Brian Malarkey
High Steaks Emma Dries Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Jennifer Carroll Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong Angelo Sosa Karen Akunowicz Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Lisa Fernandes
Idiot Sandwich Sarah Mandell Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Eric Adjepong Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Stephanie Cmar Nini Nguyen Lee Anne Wong Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey
It’s Fucking RAW! Maddy Kornhauser Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Eric Adjepong Jennifer Carroll Kevin Gillespie Nini Nguyen Angelo Sosa Brian Malarkey Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz
Jackson “Eddie” Fratesi Jackson Fratesi Joe Sasto Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Eric Adjepong Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Melissa King Jamie Lynch Angelo Sosa Brian Malarkey Nini Nguyen Jennifer Carroll
Let the Beet Drop Katya Myagkova Gregory Gourdet Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Karen Akunowicz Jennifer Carroll Joe Sasto Melissa King Eric Adjepong Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Nini Nguyen Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes Kevin Gillespie Jamie Lynch
Martha Chewart Kate Dries Eric Adjepong Lee Anne Wong Nini Nguyen Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Stephanie Cmar Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Brian Malarkey Jennifer Carroll
NiNi Leeks Sherry Cao Eric Adjepong Lee Anne Wong Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Melissa King Karen Akunowicz Nini Nguyen Jennifer Carroll Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes Stephanie Cmar Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey
Padma Wannabe Divya Khandke Jennifer Carroll Angelo Sosa Bryan Voltaggio Kevin Gillespie Eric Adjepong Gregory Gourdet Nini Nguyen Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lisa Fernandes Joe Sasto Lee Anne Wong Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz
Quarantine? I Thought You Said Florentine! Hilary Clifford / Sam Blobaum Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Eric Adjepong Joe Sasto Nini Nguyen Kevin Gillespie Gregory Gourdet Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Jennifer Carroll Karen Akunowicz Brian Malarkey Melissa King Jamie Lynch Lisa Fernandes
Screaming 4 Acid (Hosea Fucking Sucks) Chris Issa Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Jennifer Carroll Angelo Sosa Kevin Gillespie Stephanie Cmar Joe Sasto Lee Anne Wong Karen Akunowicz Nini Nguyen Eric Adjepong Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Jamie Lynch Melissa King
Spice, Spice Baby! Jane Christen / Kelsey Edelen Jennifer Carroll Eric Adjepong Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Angelo Sosa Nini Nguyen Melissa King Lee Anne Wong Gregory Gourdet Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie Brian Malarkey
Take Me to Flavor Town Claire Jaffe Gregory Gourdet Bryan Voltaggio Stephanie Cmar Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Melissa King Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Karen Akunowicz Jennifer Carroll Brian Malarkey Lisa Fernandes Jamie Lynch Kevin Gillespie
The Gouda Lyfe Tobin Stuff Gregory Gourdet Kevin Gillespie Eric Adjepong Melissa King Joe Sasto Bryan Voltaggio Lisa Fernandes Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll Lee Anne Wong Brian Malarkey Karen Akunowicz Stephanie Cmar Nini Nguyen
The IncrEDIBLES Emily Blanton / Stephen Dillon Joe Sasto Melissa King Bryan Voltaggio Lee Anne Wong Stephanie Cmar Gregory Gourdet Karen Akunowicz Eric Adjepong Brian Malarkey Angelo Sosa Jennifer Carroll Jamie Lynch Nini Nguyen Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes
Tom Bready Gracie Himmelstein Eric Adjepong Gregory Gourdet Nini Nguyen Bryan Voltaggio Joe Sasto Karen Akunowicz Kevin Gillespie Angelo Sosa Lee Anne Wong Melissa King Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Jamie Lynch Jennifer Carroll
Top Shelf Curry Amie Patel Stephanie Cmar Bryan Voltaggio Eric Adjepong Melissa King Nini Nguyen Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Jennifer Carroll Lee Anne Wong Gregory Gourdet Jamie Lynch Karen Akunowicz Lisa Fernandes Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie
Unlimited Breadsticks Jackie Weidman Jennifer Carroll Bryan Voltaggio Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Gregory Gourdet Lisa Fernandes Karen Akunowicz Kevin Gillespie Melissa King Brian Malarkey Stephanie Cmar Joe Sasto Angelo Sosa Jamie Lynch Lee Anne Wong
Wake Me Up Before You Go-Gurt Eugene Chong Bryan Voltaggio Gregory Gourdet Melissa King Joe Sasto Eric Adjepong Nini Nguyen Angelo Sosa Stephanie Cmar Karen Akunowicz Lee Anne Wong Jennifer Carroll Jamie Lynch Brian Malarkey Kevin Gillespie Lisa Fernandes

References

How to Watch!

Episodes air on Bravo every Thursday at 10pm EST. You can watch live on Bravo’s website at that time or on-demand the next morning with a cable TV login. If you don’t have a login, email the league; I’m sure someone can provide one.

The season is also available for purchase on Amazon and iTunes, but again, check with others in the league for a TV login so you can watch for free.

You can find episodes of Last Chance Kitchen on YouTube (scroll to the bottom).

Cheftestants

Bios for each chef can be found here.

Thank you to @lynnandtonic for the headshots!

Name Headshot Status
Eric Adjepong 👩‍🍳
Karen Akunowicz 👨‍🍳
Jennifer Carroll 👨‍🍳
Stephanie Cmar 👩‍🍳
Lisa Fernandes ☠️
Kevin Gillespie 👩‍🍳
Gregory Gourdet 👨‍🍳
Melissa King 👩‍🍳
Jamie Lynch ☠️
Brian Malarkey 👩‍🍳
Nini Nguyen 👨‍🍳
Joe Sasto ☠️
Angelo Sosa ☠️
Bryan Voltaggio 👨‍🍳
Lee Anne Wong 👨‍🍳

Rules

Scoring: The goal of the season is to have the highest Final Score. 2nd place gets $15, and the winner gets $105 (24 total players!). Your score will have two parts, each weighted equally:

  • Ranking Score: This is how closely your predictions match up with the final finishes. If you guess every chef’s finish from 1-to-16 correctly, you would have a perfect score.
    • Note that chefs eliminated early in the season may get back onto the show via Last Chance Kitchen! In that case, we will use the chef’s final position after the season has ended.
    • To clarify, a chef’s final position is their position after being eliminated from the main show. That is, it doesn’t matter how well a chef does on Last Chance Kitchen unless they make it back onto the main competition.
  • Episode Score: You’ll score points for every chef in your top 8 (MySpace, baby) that ends up on top in the quickfire or elimination challenge.

    • Points Awarded =

      • Quickfire Winner: \(\scriptsize (10 - ChefRank) * 2\)
      • Elimination Challenge Winner: \(\scriptsize (15 - ChefRank) * 2\)
      • Quickfire or Elimination Challenge Honorable Mentions: \(\scriptsize 10 - ChefRank\)

    • *Honorable Mentions: being in the Top 3, being on the winning team for team challenges, or getting a special shout out from the judges.

    • Chefs eliminated during an episode can still earn points from winning a quickfire that episode.

    • If there is no one winner specified in a team challenge, everyone receives honorable mention points.

    • Example: I rank Eric as 2nd overall and Jenn as 3rd overall. Eric wins the quickfire and Jenn is on top in the elimination challenge. I get 9 points from Eric (11 - 2) and 12 points from Jenn ((9 - 3) * 2).

At the end, we’ll scale everyone’s points (see below) for the two scores. Your final score will be the average of the two.

  • Final Score:
    • Scaled Final Ranking Score = \[\scriptsize 1 - \frac{YourRankingScore - min(AllRankingScores)}{max(AllRankingScores) - min(AllRankingScores)}\]
    • Scaled Episode Score = \[\scriptsize \frac{YourEpisodeScore - min(AllEpisodeScores)}{max(AllEpisodeScores) - min(AllEpisodeScores)}\]
    • Final Score = \[\scriptsize \frac{Scaled Ranking Score + Scaled Episode Score}{2}\]

Have You Paid?

Everyone’s paid!

Players Paid
Jackson Yes
Natasha Yes
Sarah Yes
Janet Yes
Jackie Yes
Kate Yes
Claire Yes
Tobin Yes
Emma Yes
Amie Yes
Eugene Yes
Emily / Stephen Yes
Sherry Yes
Jane / Kelsey Yes
Katya Yes
Chris Yes
Jia / Joyce Yes
Hilary / Sam Yes
Elsa Yes
Gracie Yes
Ada Yes
Tiffany / Steven Yes
Divya Yes
Maddy Yes